Followed By the Pound Key

So I was brushing my teeth before leaving home to go work out. I had it all perfectly timed: I would get more than an hour and a half on the treadmill at the YMCA before having to pick up R nearby. I turned on the tap to rinse… no water.

Oh right, I hadn’t paid the water bill. My bad. So I rinse with some bottled water on the sink, grab my workout bag and walk to the living room, where I was going to make the payment by phone before leaving. No biggie, I would still get more than an hour and a half in.

I call.

“Welcome blah blah blah, please press one for payments…”   I press one.

“Welcome to payments, blah blah, for English, please press one.”  I press one.

“Welcome blah blah, for payment by credit card please press one, for payment by bank account, please press two.”   I press two.

“Welcome etc. Please enter your 15-digit account number blah blah, followed by the pound key.”  I enter the account number.

They say it back and then, “Please press one if this is correct.” I press one.

“Please enter your bank’s routing number, followed by the pound key.” I begin to enter the…

“Please enter your bank’s routing number, followed by the pound key.” I begin and this time succeed in entering the routing number.

“The bank routing number you entered is [then reads it back]. Press one if this is correct.” I do.

“Please enter your bank account number, followed by the pound key.” I beg…

“Please enter your bank’s routing number, followed by the pound key.” Sighing, I enter it.

“The bank routing number you entered is [then reads it back]. Press one if this is correct.” I do.

“Please enter your bank account number, followed by the pound key.” I enter it. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“The bank account number you entered is [then reads back]. Press one if this is correct.” I do, yes, yes!

“Please enter the amount owed in dollars and cents, followed by the pound key.” I enter 36000, because I owe almost $360 and at this point I’m erring on the side of caution.

“The amount you have entered is zero dollars and zero cents. Please press one if this is correct, two if this is incorrect,…”

I hang up. I count to ten. I’ll do it with the credit card.

I call back.

“Welcome blah blah blah, please press one for payments…”   I press one.

“Welcome to payments, blah blah blah, for English, please press one.”  I press one.

“Welcome blah blah, for payment by credit card, please press one, for payment by bank account, please press two.”   I press one.

“Please enter your 16-digit credit card number, followed by the pound key.” I do.

“Please enter your 16-digit credit card number, followed by the pound key.” I am in the pro…

“Please enter your 16-digit credit card number, followed by the pound key.” Just keep breathing…

“Please enter the month and year of expiration in four digits, for instance [gives an example].” I enter the month and year of expiration.

“Please enter your 16-digit credit card number, followed by the pound key.” Think zen thoughts, om om om!

“Please enter the month and year of expiration in four digits, for instance etc.” I do again.

“Please enter the three-digit security code on the back of the card, followed by the pound key.” I do.

“The 16-digit number on the credit card is [reads back]. If this is correct, press one…” I press one.

“The four digit expiration date on the card is [reads back]. If this is correct, press one…” I press one.

“The three-digit security number on the back of the card is [reads back]. If this is correct, press one…” I press one.

“Please enter the amount owed in dollars and cents.” I enter 36000.

“The amount you have entered is three hundred and sixty dollars. If this is correct, press one.” I press one!

HALLELUJAH! 

“You have exceeded the number of attempts permitted. Please try again after one hour.”

I have to call them before 5:00 pm if I want my water back on today, which means I do really have to call them back in an hour, so I have to stay home. I absolutely must not attempt this when hot and sweaty, halfway a workout. When I’m done–if I succeed this time, that is–there won’t be enough time to work out anymore before picking up R.

This is why we must never, ever be allowed to own AK 47s. And why we must always pay our bills on time.