Boycott Those Damn Mexican Taco Trucks!



A Trump surrogate recently stated that, without stricter immigration policies, we’ll soon see a taco truck on every street corner. Now, I’m almost per definition against anything coming from the Trump camp. I’m liberal, anti-bigotry, anti-fascism and all that. However, I’m not that easily pigeon-holed. Because I have to say, I agree that having a taco truck on every street corner would be a terrible scenario on every level.

Here’s why.

When we first moved into our new neighborhood, it really was a new neighborhood. Ours was one of the first houses built there. When we moved in, there were taco trucks driving around all over the place, both in the morning and the afternoon, catering to the construction workers. There wasn’t one on every corner, but it was close.

If we wanted a taco for breakfast or lunch, and there wasn’t a truck parked somewhere on our street, we never had to drive too far to find one on another street–there were that many of them!

And boy, were those tacos delicious! It doesn’t get any more authentic than those tacos made for the construction workers. They even had lengua tacos. Lengua tacos! Not something you can order in most Mexican restaurants. In fact, I only know of one convenience store in our area where they occasionally have lengua tacos.

Those tacos were seriously good! During the first months in our new house, when there were taco trucks all over the place, we were like kids at the sight of the ice cream truck. We just had to have a taco. We had tacos for lunch almost on a daily basis. So reason number one for why a lot of taco trucks would be a disaster: those tacos lead to a lifelong taco addiction. I speak from experience. Especially the lengua tacos.

Not having to drive very far for breakfast or lunch saves gas, which really hurts the oil business. Those poor barons might go broke! So support your oil companies–boycott taco trucks!

Another problem is that tacos are fast food. However, you can see what goes into each taco, because they’re made right in front of you, from fresh ingredients. This makes them a healthy alternative to fast food from McDonalds and Sonic and Burger King, to name a few. So that’s another way in which too many taco trucks would hurt the economy: the fast food chains could go under. Imagine an America without McDonalds. Nightmare!

And the health industry! Oh my god, those poor bastards would lose serious revenue due to all those people having easy access to healthier fast food every day. Less diabetes, less heart disease,  so fewer medicines for the general public and therefore less gold-encrusted swimming pools for the owners of pharmaceutical companies.*

Do those taco truck women care about any of this?

No! Rather than supporting the oil business, the fast food industry and healthcare moguls, the taco truck women are firmly  in the pocket of Big Cilantro. They really heap it on. Because the cilantro business knows that the more cilantro you put on a taco, the better it tastes, which speeds up the addiction process.  They’re so devious!

And then there’s the cultural interaction that takes place at taco trucks. As an unsuspecting white suburban person, you might learn the Spanish words for onions and pork. And you might get a smile from the women inside. Heck, you might even get some smiles from the sweaty construction workers standing in line with you. All this would completely undermine the movement to vilify Hispanics, who–in addition to being rapists and drug dealers–are lazy, unemployed moochers off the welfare system, after all.

But my main concern is the addiction as a result of all those easily accessible, absolutely delicious tacos. We’re finally legalizing marijuana in state after state, but if we allow taco trucks on every street corner, we’re going to roll from the War on Drugs straight into the War on Tacos. When does it end? When will our tax dollars and our energy ever be spent on more constructive endeavors?

I don’t presume to have the answers, folks. But I do know that writing about these taco trucks has got my mouth watering, so now I’m going to have to drive into one of the neighboring new neighborhoods to get my fix. God help me!

(*I saw an episode on HGTV years ago, that showed a house the owner of a pharmaceutical company had built, with gold accents on the bottom of his indoor pool and a diamond-covered range hood in the kitchen. I can’t find it anywhere online, but I swear it’s true! If you know what I’m talking about and you can find the evidence anywhere, please let me know.)


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