Whatever You Do, Don’t Read This!


samurai-sword-umbrella-2I discovered this blog, Conservative Newswire, only last week. I immediately became a follower, because I felt sorry for them. Such inexperienced boys, they were obviously never going to make it without the benefit of my help.

So I thought I’d give them some much needed attention by granting them an interview.  I’m sure they’re just tickled pink to be made famous on a blog that’s been around so much longer than theirs.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s Conservative Newswire!!!

So, why don’t you begin by telling us who you are, young man. No need to be shy. Oh, wait … where are the rest of you?

Well, (so far) there is only myself, Ben Fenton, working on CNW. I created this site a very short time ago, and there has been a very positive response from those who have read it, which is great! I’m grateful to those who have been talking about us.

You’re quite welcome, dear. Now tell me, what do you want to achieve with your little blog?

My goal at CNW is to demonstrate the absurdity of the right-wing internet news and talk blogosphere, through a gaggle of entirely fictional right-wingers, a la Joseph Farah, Glenn Beck, Chuck Norris, Ann Coulter and more. I also aim to use subtext and allegory as part of a social and political commentary on why conservatives and their allies do what they do.

Interesting. But about that allegory and subtext …

There’s a page called, “Our Inspiration,” on the blog, which goes into more detail about, uh, our inspiration. If you want to see our masthead of fictional characters, that’s on our “About” page.

Well, I’ll be sure to…

The “staff” will expand along with the variety of issues I poke fun at, as the blog grows.

So…

Now, a word from the guy behind the curtain is okay …

Indeed, but…

… but what about the staff over at Conservative Newswire?

Now wait just a minute, young man! Who’s asking the questions here?

I’d like to hand the floor over to Michael Farkness, my imaginary co-proprietor and Editor-In-Chief:

Well, I never!

Dearest Barbara and Readers,

Okay, sure, go right ahead. Don’t mind me!

There is a crisis occurring in white Christian America (sorry for the redundancy.) I am reaching out to you and your readers today to warn you of the coming feminist-Marxist apocalypse. I can only hope that we have not come too late.

When Barack Hussein Obama, the militantly Atheist Muslim, first usurped the beloved Presidency, I said nothing. I did not reach out to my fellow man, nor did I so much as raise my voice. But, with the second coming of the Anti-Christ, and after I was evicted and my food stamp benefits ran out, I cast myself out into the desert like Moses, but with feral cats instead of Israelites, tearing at my heels.

It was only after thirty days of fasting on Little Debbie’s snacks and six-packs of Bud Light Platinum that my vision came to me. And that vision was Conservative Newswire. Also, please spay or neuter your pets.

Now that I have swayed your liberal readers from their wicked ways, it’s time to fill their freshly emptied heads with wholesome, delightful Conservatism. We just posted a story about how a new group of welfare queens, calling themselves “children”, are using their entitlement mentality to destroy the US economy from within.

There will be an upcoming CNW feature proving that white male CEOs own more charities than middle-class liberals and minorities combined.

And of course, we will be announcing our intent to have a press conference soon, to announce the Billion Conservative March to the White House and Back to Take Back Our Religious Rights. (Wish I could tell you more about that right now, squee!)

We at CNW wish many Blessings upon you, and may the Baby Jesus be ever at your side. See you soon!

Very sincerely,

Michael Farkness and Company

Well, these … these … hoodlums clearly have no manners whatsoever! And who ever heard of handing the floor to a letter! I’ve never felt so … so baffled in my life. And did you notice how that fellow Ben didn’t want to answer any questions about his “subtext” and “allegory”? It’s clearly all just a bunch of hot air.

I’m so sorry for wasting your time, readers. Definitely not worth watching so you can say later that you were already following them before they became as famous as, say The Onion or Steven Colbert.  No, this blog is clearly going nowhere.

Here today and gone tomorrow–mark my words.

2 responses to “Whatever You Do, Don’t Read This!

  1. That’s it, old crone!! You’ll never work in this town again. Glenn Beck was teaching me word kempo before you were typing insane Marxist screeds on the internet! You’ve been warned…>.<

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    • We’ll see about that, you snotty-nosed little punk! And if you think that threats impress me, you haven’t been reading my posts far enough back, which shows a lack in your general knowledge. And we aren’t even IN a town, you silly lad. As for Glenn Beck, I put him in his place a long, long time ago. He never even replied to my letter; he was clearly struck dumb, at a loss for words. Word kempo indeed!

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