The Horror, the Horror! Really, I’m Serious

Photo: paulcurtis.livejournal.com

Ah! Only seven days and one to go to Halloween, my ravenous readers, so I feel compelled to warn you. I move as though invisible through the streets and alleys and I observe the good citizens of my subdivision decorating their trees and lawns with whimsically carved calabashes and synthetic spiderwebs, comfortably convinced that ghouls are merely a myth, a myth upheld for no other reason that to have a costume party.

A party! It pains me more than you can imagine, dear readers, to have to tell you this, but alas, ghouls are real! Especially those also known as “zombies”. Oh, dreaded letters! Oh, dreaded word! The very sight of it chills me to my bones.

The most wondrously wise Wikipedia tells us that

A zombie […] is an animated corpse resurrected back to life by mystical means, such as witchcraft. The term is often figuratively applied to describe a hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli.

The truly horrific nature of zombies, apart from their rapid multiplication due to the contagiousness of their condition, stems from the fact that they were once human. To the unpracticed eye they may appear normal, yet their brains have gone to goo and their diminished capacity is visible in their faces–visible, that is, to those who will see it.

Zombies are capable only of reacting to the simplest of stimuli, moving herd-like in the direction of the sound, movement, color or whatever attracts their attention, unaware of anything else around them. They keep coming, spewing their godawful sounds, the sulfurous stench of the depths of Doom belching from their misshapen mouths. They are bent on destruction, dear readers, and no amount of reasoning can stop them. But stop them we must, or they will destroy the very fabric of our freedom-loving society.

Do you still think zombies are but the stuff of horror movies? Ah, dear, innocent reader, think again! They are among us, verily. When you are downing that delectable hotdog at the neighborhood cookout, look closely and listen, and you will realize that what I tell you is true. If you cannot tell the zombies by their appearance, then a simple conversation will flush them out. But beware! Before you know it, they will be at you in their single-minded purpose of infecting everyone who is not yet of their ilk.

Are you afraid now? Have I succeeded in convincing you of the existence in our midst of these gruesome ghouls? Are you quaking in your Uggs, too terrified to strike up a conversation at the neighborhood monster bash in order to learn to recognize a zombie, and yet the knowledge that there may be zombies in your midst is unbearable as well?

Ah, ravenous reader, I cannot blame you and I have anticipated this. I have unearthed, from the cloud, the following video, so that you may look, listen and learn, and truly tremble. For I am convinced that no myth, no magical monsters, no gigantic giants could ever be even a tenth as terrifying as these very real, rampant, raving beings. And if, perchance, you are not immediately shocked to the very center of your core, just keep watching–it gets gradually, wretchedly worse.

I have surely said enough. Behold the video already.