If I were to call Glenn Beck’s radio talk show, this is how I imagine it would go:
Glenn: And let me go to Barbara in Texas, one of my favorite states. How are you doing, Barbara in Texas?
Me: Hi Glenn, thanks for having me on your show. I’m so excited!
Glenn: Well, you’re welcome.
Me: I so totally agree with you about America having the best doctors in the world!
Glenn: Well, who wouldn’t. It’s a God-given fact. We’re the best.
Me: Absolutely. And I can confirm that people do indeed come from all over the world to see doctors here. I have an uncle in the Netherlands who had to have a very tricky lung operation, and the Dutch specialist said that the surgeon with the most experience in that area was a doctor in San Diego, California, USA.
Glenn: There you have it. I keep telling people this. Those poor people in socialist Europe are screwed.
Me: Well, actually, my uncle flew from the Netherlands to San Diego, California…
Glenn: See, I keep telling people…
Me: Yeah, so he flew to San Diego, with his daughter, because he was so sick he needed a traveling companion, and then he checked into the hospital and his daughter, my cousin, checked into a hotel nearby, and my uncle had the operation and after he was released he still had to stick around for a follow-up appointment a week later, so he and his daughter both stayed in the nearby hotel for another week. And then they flew back home. And he’s doing fine.
Glenn: Yep, because our great American doctors helped him. He had to come all the way over here to get the best care he possible could. Because you don’t have doctors like that in socialist-fascist-nazi-Marxist-welfare addicted Europe.
Me: So I bet you’re wondering how he paid for it, right? The plane tickets for two, the hotel for two, his hospital stay and the operation and everything, their expenses like food and travel within San Diego?
Glenn: Well, either your uncle is a prime minister of a president or some kind of national leader, or he must be one of those lucky few in socialist-fascist Europe who have been allowed to make money.
Me: Yeah, you’d think, right? Because in America you’d have to be loaded to be able to afford to fly to San Diego if that’s where the best surgeon happens to be, and stay in a hotel and have all the medical expenses and then fly back home. And bring a companion if you’re too sick to travel by yourself. Because there’s not a health insurance company out there that would pay for even a fraction of that, right?
Glenn: Wait a minute. You’re not one of those crazy socialist Obama care people, are you?
Me: So guess what my uncle in the Netherlands does for a living?
Glenn: Oh, okay, I get it, you’re going to tell me the Netherlands isn’t a socialist country, that your uncle is a good solid capitalist entrepreneur and he is quite capable of making big bucks, and that…
Me: No, actually, my uncle is a retired high school teacher, and his health insurance paid %100 of every single expense I just mentioned. That’s one hundred percent.
Glenn: You’re making this up, right? Who did you say you were? Are you working for that antichrist Obama, that… that…?
Me: No Glenn, I’m not making this up. Yes, some of the best doctors in the world are right here in America, but how many Americans have access to them?
Glenn (shouting): Shut up, you pinhead!
Me: America ranks at the bottom of the industrialized countries, sharing its spot with South Africa, when it comes to access to healthcare.
Glenn (screaming): Shut the f*** up!
Me: When you say that people come from all over the world to see doctors in America, you should point out that those people apparently can afford to come from all over the world to see them, but that even the average person in San Francisco, California can’t afford to go to San Diego to see a doctor, and that American health insurance companies don’t even pay all of the surgery, and you get billed separately for the hospital stay and that…
Glenn (screaming harder): Get off the phone!
Me: Oh, and Glenn, remember that lady from Massachusetts who mentioned foreign tourists being able to just walk into any French clinic or hospital and getting free health care?
Glenn: Oh boy, do I remember that? I sure do! That was a line straight out of the film Sicko by Michael Moore, that big fat socialist antichrist nazi Marxist…
Me: Well, that may be, but when I was on vacation in England and I tore the ligament in my ankle, I limped into a hospital, they took x-rays, they taped my ankle up, and gave me crutches. I offered to pay because I had travel insurance, but they said that wasn’t necessary. I asked them if I should buy the crutches, since I was going back home, but they said to just send them back when I was done with them,and they gave me a card with the hospital’s address. That’s just me, not Michael Moore, so…
Glenn: (Screaming hysterically): Get off the phone! Get off the f***ing phone!! (Etc, etc, etc. Listen here to get the idea.)