Lethal Weapon Free

In this economy, businesses have to be extra creative. And are they ever! For example, if you go to the RadioShack in Hamilton, Montana, to sign up for Dish Network right now, you get a free gun or pizza. Isn’t choice wonderful?

The idea is to take care of your home security at the same time as purchasing your satellite TV service. I can see it now. Their teenage daughter can now be safely left alone, one couple thinks, because she can have the gun right by her side as she watches TV.

The girl watches a horror flick on the wonderful Dish Network. When the parents come back, they call out “Honey, we’re home,” but right at that moment someone is gruesomely and loudly murdered in the critically acclaimed HD movie with surround sound, so the girl doesn’t hear them.

On edge already, she suddenly sees on the TV screen the reflection of someone approaching her from behind, so she grabs the gun, swings around, and shoots Dad before she realizes who it is.

Yep, statistics show that owning a gun doesn’t actually keep you safe from intruders. Way more people are killed every year by their own gun than intruders are.

We know that, but of course you don’t have to get the gun for security. That’s just a suggestion. Use your imagination. And remember, you can get a pizza instead.

If you’re on a diet, you can get the gun and if the diet doesn’t work, you can shoot yourself. If you’re opposed to guns, you can get the pizza and eat away your frustration about the gun nuts.

Either way Dish Network has a plan that’s right for you. Maybe the competitor DirecTV will up the ante by offering a free gun or pizza with one extra topping at no additional cost. Pepperoni or a silencer.

I’d go for the silencer. That way others in the room are not disturbed in their crystal-clear High Def satellite-watching pleasure if you feel the urge to purge.

The Hamilton RadioShack and Dish Network are actually doing us a public service. For one thing, getting a free gun or pizza with your satellite service enhances freedom of expression. If a TV talk show host or politician disappoints, the more modest or passive-aggressive viewer can throw his pizza at the screen, while the extrovert can find the perpetrator and shoot him or her in a more direct confrontation.

This amazing offer can also bring the community together. The National Rifle Association claims that guns don’t kill people; people kill people. There’s nothing wrong with having guns for sport. What’s more American than a father taking his son out in the early morning for some good old-fashioned game hunting?

I think it’s fair to say that, in general, the gun opponents are more into health food and not so big on teaching their sons how to shoot animals. They take their sons to the park to play Frisbee golf.

Perfect! Let’s all get together on the edge of town in the dewy Montana dawn. The people who opted for pizza pull together all their free pizzas, throw them in the air one by one like clay pigeons, and the gun people shoot at them. The gun nuts can get their shooting fix while the health nuts can watch fast food being eliminated.

Pepperoni bursting in air. No animals will have been harmed during the making of this noise and we all get along.

But seriously, though. At some point this unique offer will end. In today’s tight economy we have to make smart choices. A pizza is usually gone in sixty seconds while a gun is forever.

And we’re talking about Montana. So in reality I think the pizza joint adjacent to that RadioShack isn’t going to see its business increase significantly. The local gun store is doing great, though. And the Hamilton RadioShack has tripled its business since the start of the campaign.

Handing out free lethal weapons. Customer satisfaction guaranteed. Way to go, guys!

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